Notes for her (& self)

You asked me how did I cope, so here are some pointers which I hope you can benefit from. Some of these pointers, I've learned from reading, some by observing others and some as told by others. These are only my pointers - they might or might not work with you, but you asked me for these, so here they are...


* Remember that our husband is not the ultimate "tempat bergantung". The ultimate "tempat bergantung" is with Allah. So, in trying time, seek Allah's help, let it all out to Allah - He is always there for us. Husband and kids after all, are only "temporary loans" from Allah. He could take them back any time He wants to, hence we have to surrender it all to Allah.


* We may not be able to change our partner's unpleasant attitude, so what we can do is to make do'a that he will change for the better some day. Never underestimate the power of do'a for Allah is Most Listening.


*Although we can't change him, we can change our own perceptions and reactions. Like, when we can't make him share household chores, then, maybe we can remind ourselves that we are doing all these out of love and charity. Without the "nawaitu" of doing them as "sadaqah", it might seem burdensome, but if we look at them as an investment of sort for us later in the hereafter, maybe the chores will be less burdensome...


* Try to be more creative in meeting his and our own irks and quirks. If he keeps using the towel put on the bed meant for your own use after the shower, start putting two towels. If he keeps using your mug in the morning, buy two similar mugs. (But do kindly ask him to use his own toothbrush)


* Just do what needs to get done. Dishes and dirty clothes find a way to multiply if they are left unattended. Try not to spend more time putting off the job than it would actually take if you just do it. Instead of making the bad seem worse, and your relationship more strained in the process (because he did not do them when it was his turn to do so), not to mention wasting precious time - just do what needs to be done.

* Compliment him on his achievements when he gets stuff done in the house, especially those he did out of his own initiatives. Remember that guys prefer us to remember them as the knight in shining armor, so chances are if we keep polishing those armor, he might want to keep being in his 'shining armor' behaviour.

* In trying times, keep reminding ourselves of his positive traits. Well, he might sleep a little extra, or have time to stay awake for soccer at midnight but not for chores, or play games on our phones but forget to recharge them - but at other times, he cooks, or massages, or change the baby's diapers, or tidy up the house. Most of all, he stays loyal to us and love us for who we are.

* In trying times, before we "terlepas cakap", ask ourselves would we say such thing if he's not going to be with us tomorrow? Many wives realized their own weaknesses and became more forgiving of their husbands after they were left by the husbands. We should be forgiving when we are still with each other, and try to keep making the relationship better and healthier.

* When we give, don't expect any return. Let Allah do all the 'calculation'. It is not for us to say that we are doing a lot more when he is doing little or nothing. If we keep on "mengungkit", a lot of things might amount to nothing, yet when he does a little, but sincerely and with all his heart, it might counts more. Let Allah do all the 'calculation', we just keep on giving what we can. After all, it is always better to give than to receive, right?